There are days where I write my feelings into blog posts and save them as drafts, destined never to be published.
There are days where I write my feelings into word documents because writing a draft still feels too public and too real for me.
I lost my best friend a little over 6 months ago now and there are so many things I want to say about her. I want to tell the world how amazing she was and how she lived her short life to the fullest.
I have many stories. I have memories of holidays; weddings and hen parties; picnics and nights out; photo-shoots and moments of pure friendship.
But the minute I talk about those things, I’ll be moving to the next stage of accepting she is no longer here and I’m not ready.
I don’t want to do it, though I probably should.
Who can put a road map on grief?
Or is this grief?
I’m not sure anymore. I just know that it’s been 6 months, but I still don’t quite believe it’s real.
I still check her Facebook everyday, I look at her posts and photos. I think about her quirks and the awesome way she lived her life.
She had a life that was jam packed with amazing moments and I’m so in awe of her.
They’ll be people who live three times as long as she did and they won’t have done as much, won’t have seen as much and won’t have been loved as fiercely as we loved her.
I have a tight knit group of friends that loved her like I did. I don’t know if they feel the same as me now and I don’t ask because I don’t want to hear the answer.
I’m not sure how best to support them. I’m not sure how to support me. I’m no good at talking and so I take to writing it down here, hoping one day I’ll reach that stage of sharing laughs and memories and tears.
The one thing I can’t face right now is when I eventually celebrate her and her life in my own way, I’ll be moving on a little more and that’s too hard.
It’s been 6 months and I’m still holding on, wishing they didn’t make me say goodbye.